Introspection
by unknowncliffhanger
Summary: An introspective piece documenting a young girl's realization of the lies she's lived and her subsequent emotional breakdown


_Introspection_  
  
Author's note: I own the character of Amanda Peters and the storyline. Please tell me if you like this fic. I am considering introducing Amanda to my other story, "New life", which I am well aware I have been neglecting for the longest.

Amanda Peters' day began ordinarily enough. At the cacophonous buzzing of her alarm clock, she reluctantly dragged herself out of bed and started toward the bathroom. Upon turning the light on, she reflexively squinted her eyes and muttered something unintelligible under her breath. It took a few seconds to adjust to the brightness of the room, but to Amanda, it seemed an eternity. She walked over to the sink after having grown accustomed to the change. She then opened the tube of toothpaste only to have the cap fall and roll towards the bathroom window. 'Perfect,' she thought. Her clumsiness often annoyed her. She picked up the cap and returned to the sink to begin the habitual process of brushing her teeth, which, at this hour, was a difficult operation to perform. Amanda caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror; a small piece of broccoli was caught in her teeth, and she grimaced at the memory of choking down the disgusting green vegetable from the night before. She immediately cursed herself, for she wanted nothing more than to forget the events of the previous day. A person of strong volition, she thought she would easily be able to do this, but her will did occasionally falter. The memories came flooding back. 

Yesterday, too, had begun as ordinary. However, it was soon transformed into a day of destruction. It seemed as if her world as she knew it had ceased to be. Left in its place were shards of what once was, pieces of a puzzle hopelessly strewed across a vast nothingness, irrecognizable forms that would never be put back together.

After dressing herself, Amanda had decided to write in her journal. She had begun this practice several years ago and continued it more out of a feeling of obligation than anything else. It was then that she realized her life was meaningless, completely devoid of purpose and utterly unimportant. All drive was lost to her ages ago. Her plans and goals had become a strange and indescribable characteristic of someone not herself. This person was so far removed from who Amanda was now it seemed impossible that the beings were ever one. A state of confusion surfaced. Who was she? The old Amanda wanted to go into the field of medicine, but what did this Amanda, the one who appeared from nowhere apparently, desire to do in life? When had she changed? When did her aspirations become no longer an accurate indication of her personality? And just how long had this new self been concealed? When did she start (or was it stop) pretending? When had this Amanda surfaced; for how long was she a mere shell of her former self? Or had she simply ceased existing altogether? These thoughts swarmed her mind, driving her to the brink of insanity. She wanted to run, get away, seek refuge in the comfort of...something, what she did not know. She had nowhere to turn, no one to turn to. How in fact did one hide from herself?

Amanda swore that day to lock every last uncertainty into the deepest recesses of her soul. Tomorrow would be different. She would be confident in her identity, and never again would she think these terrible thoughts. If ever she did, she would lie to herself and say it was some sort of trumped-up story, a sick joke she was playing on herself for unknown reasons. She would seek solace in the fabrication, draw strength from a lie. Why not? She had been doing this for so long it had almost become second nature.

It had been almost twenty-five hours since the promise, a promise she knew she had not the ability nor the strength to keep. Knowing she would never be able to put that day out of her mind, she broke into tears. Amanda wept for the longest minutes, mourning for a loss she had for so long failed to feel. Her life was empty, a void never to be filled.

Well, that's it. Let me know what you think! 


End file.
